Posted by Would You Read On?

laura. (#36409)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 15:18:18
Sly combed his pale fingers through his sleek, black hair. His palms were sweaty as he walked into the first room. There sat a young woman at the front desk fitted with a white coat and dazzling, red hair. His parents walked up to her and handed over a navy booklet filled with several different medical forms and his birth certificate included. "Thank you. Now you were here for the 3 o' clock appointment, is that right?"
"Yes, it's Mr. and Mrs. Kinchla."
The woman at the desk looked at her monitor and quickly looked up again.
"Oh yes, here you are. Just go right down the hall and to the left. You'll find Mrs. Koslacovi there." She gestured the directions with her hands.
"Thank you so much."
The family proceeded down the hall and turned left just as the lady said.
*Knock* *Knock*
"Come in." A confident, womanly voice came from behind the grey door and Sly followed his parents inside.
"Please sit." Mrs. Koslacovi, fitted in a similar outfit as the other lady, flickered through her folders and reached for her tools.
"So just a check-up?"
"Yes."
"Okay, so Sly, can I get you to just sit on that chair please?"
Sly just grunted and moved over to the seat. He took the black hoodie off of his head and shoved his earphones into his jean pockets.
The doctor wheeled over in her chair and held out her stethoscope. "I'm just going to check your heartbeat first, is that okay?"
"Yeah, sure." He grunted.
"Okay just breathe in deeply for me."
She placed one hand on his chest and with the other she gently put the stethoscope on. Sly showed immense boredom and waited for the routine to be over. The female doctor made an odd expression while twiddling her fingers on the cord. She then took her hands off and put away the stethoscope.
"Well ... this is odd."
"Wh-What is it?" Sly's father said in a demanding tone.
"Your son ... has no heartbeat."



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Edited on 03/04/15 by ~Tialura~ (#36409)

RainbowPizzaCat (#57986)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 15:54:13
Yas. I would. o0o



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laura. (#36409)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 15:56:28
:D Yusss



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Whale Biologist 🐋 (#35355)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 15:58:11

OH, plot twist O.O I would. Although honestly the last name of the family and the doctor are a bit of a bother to me. Not much, more the doctor's than theirs. All dem syllables.. they make me feel tonguetied without even saying them lol




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laura. (#36409)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 15:59:27
Haha I know right xD Well, I used that name for the doctor because I actually met her yesterday xD



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Asuna (#35842)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 16:00:21
i'd read it. c: like you has no idea c:



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laura. (#36409)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 16:01:01
xD Thank you, maybe I'll write more sometime



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Why_So_Serious? (#52272)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 16:01:32
....Woah

I would definitely read on :o



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Prince Jay (#48297)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 16:02:43
OMG man... that sudden ending...



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laura. (#36409)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 16:04:12
^-^ Haha, woooooooo~

I'm glad you guys like it



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❄Clarity❄ (#20494)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 16:11:26
PM me the next part k thanks ;D



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laura. (#36409)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 16:14:58
Haha will do, I'll finish the next part later ^-^



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lemon (#57348)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 16:48:58
if you'd like a bit of honest criticism, i'd be willing to give it. if you take this badly, i'll just edit my comment post so you don't have to see it ^^ if any of this seems harsh, please let me know. i'm trying my best to be constructive. prepare for a novel... sorry :c

so, the first thing that turned me off immediately was "sleek black hair." i'm not sure if it's just me, but the sleek black hair seems very stereotypical of a supernatural character, especially one that seems to be vampiric in nature. plus, the name sly is already a huge slip as to his "special" purpose or variant condition. that, plus the black hair, black hoodie, and headphones, screams "classic archetype" to me and that's generally not what you want when you're writing.

it moved very quickly and while i was able to follow along, it could have been more descriptive and a tad more realistic (i know this is fantasy, but bear with me, as it seems like this is set in present day). the last names look like you just typed something random, picked out some letters, and said "this sounds like it works." trust me, i've done it before so many times and when you come back to it in the future you will regret naming characters in such a way, at set in a realistic world. i liked most of the words you used when you were describing, but i'd be careful of using words that are just plain weird. '"Yeah, sure." He moaned.' was a sentence that turned me off as well, for this very reason--the word doesn't fit. "grunted" or "muttered" would have been a better word (though you used grunted previously in the paragraph), or even said would be a better choice. moaning is indicative of extreme pain or extreme pleasure, but not boredom or reluctance. the sentence "Mrs. Koslacovi, fitted in a similar outfit as the other lady, flickered through her folders and reached for her tools." you're once again moving too quickly here. who is the other lady--the receptionist? they would not be dressed in similar clothing. the doctor wouldn't be wearing a lab coat, she'd more likely be wearing scrubs. she also wouldn't flicker through her files--she'd flick through them. flickering is an action characteristic of light--it's like a blinking action. "shadows flickered across the ornate door" or "light flickered in her eye, a symbol of reignited passion" or "the candle flame flickered and danced wildly in the wind" are all examples of correct places to use that word. even "flickering in and out of existence" is appropriate. she also would have her stethoscope already around her neck and wouldn't need to reach for her tools. tools is a very general term for a doctor's, well, tools. either describe the tools she's reaching for by physical appearance or by name, but don't just call them tools. in addition, i noticed that there was no waiting period for their appointment, which is, in itself, entirely unrealistic, at least in the united states, which i'm assuming is where you live but please correct me if you've experienced otherwise in another country.
"She gestured the directions with her hands" is a key example of a sentence that could be rephrased, or even made into two better sentences. As an example, here's my rewrite: ""Just go right down the hall and turn to your left. The doctor should be waiting for you." She gestured to the hallway on their right almost dismissively, indicating she was particularly busy at that moment."
"Sly showed immense boredom" is another phrase i feel particularly picky with. it's as if he's acting bored on the outside--he's showing it--as opposed to actually being bored--he's feeling it. word connotation plays a huge part in how your readers perceive a sentence, even if you don't yourself notice it. it's why some people seem like they know exactly what to say at exactly the right time--they know the connotation of every word, especially in relation to the person. you wouldn't say someone is 'kind of' cool, you'd say they're 'pretty' cool, even though those words technically have similar "amounts" assigned to them.
also, why use "womanly" to describe a voice when their are so many other, more descriptive adjectives? "husky" "feminine" "sultry" "raspy" "high-pitched" "low-pitched" "accented." even emotion words are more specific than womanly because womanly can mean so many different things to different people.

also, you didn't keep the emotions very consistent, at least from what i could see. his hands were sweaty in the beginning, indicating nervousness or anxiety, yet he was bored while the doctor was giving him a check-up. you want to keep your emotions relatively consistent unless a character is entering a new environment, which can be anything--receiving bad news, physically going somewhere else that either calms them down or stresses them out, seeing a certain person walk in the room--those are all new environments because they're not the same as they were before. you may also want to read up on body language. is he actually nervous in the beginning? if not, omit the sweaty hands bit. is he really bored or is he playing it up? if he's bored, write it like he feels it, but if he's acting and not really feeling, then tell the readers what he's really feeling.

also, having the asterisks with the action inside of them rather than an actual description of the action itself simply tells me that you either didn't know how to describe them knocking on the door, or you couldn't muster the effort. you should never use that kind of language in your writing if you want to be taken seriously (even--and especially--if you're roleplaying), and if you can't find a good way to word something, take a break and come back to it with fresh eyes later.

it was also very short so i couldn't really tell, but the characters seem pretty flat to me, as if they're there to set up sly's personality more than they are to have their own. parents seem like typical worried parents, receptionist seems like the typical friendly receptionist, etc. etc. out of the five characters you presented, only sly seemed like he had any bit of personality to him, and even then i can't really tell because this writing excerpt is very short and i didn't get to see how he reacts to much because he only had a couple of lines.

i also recommend going through and trying to find where commas should be placed and where they should be taken away. perhaps briefly reviewing some comma rules might help?

i do very much like the seeming premise of the story, though! it seems very creative from what i've read and i'm definitely interested in the idea behind the story.



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laura. (#36409)

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Posted on
2015-04-02 22:24:58
Ah, that wasn't harsh at all. In fact, it was extremely helpful! Thank you so much, you helped a lot with most of the words - some of them [(especially "womanly") I just couldn't think of another word and I hate myself for not checking a thesaurus haha.] If I was to write more, I'd definitely introduce their personalities as the story went a long. As for Sly and his hair ... I'm sorry, I know I used the typical "black hair" but I just have a thing for pale guys with black hair xD (And I wasn't aiming towards him being a vampire, I'm not really a fan of them..) I was also going to explain why his palms were sweaty in the beginning (it was because he hadn't been to an appointment in a while) but felt it would talk away from the ... straight-forward-ness? (I don't really know how to describe it hehe.) For Kinchla, (kin-sh-la) I used a name generator, I thought it sounded decent. For the doctor's name, it was inspired by a real doctor near my place (and, they usually have odd names right? I may change it, this is merely a first draft and now I think that it does sound kind of weird .. any suggestions?)

..I really just came up with the idea when I went to the doctor's yesterday and wanted to get it out of my mind. Again, I thank you for your wonderful critic. I'll definitely use it :)



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