Hon so far so good! Im a huge fantasy fan and youve done what every good author does! Youve caught my interest and made me want to read more! Ive bookmarked in google docs and plan to devour the rest when I have more time!
Thanks so much for sharing!

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Hello! I'm here to give you some feedback. c:

First: You've got a good tone going and you seem to be building up suspense pretty well. Good descriptions and such. It's too small a sample for me to determine story or pacing, but it seems like a really good start!

As for corrections: I recommend making your paragraphs longer. Some of them look like they're only one sentence long, which rarely flies with long-form fiction writing (that is to say, novels). If you change your font size down to something more within the printing parameters (12-point's always a good size for safety) you could determine the length of your paragraphs much more easily.

I'd also check your commas - some of them could definitely be periods instead. Make sure to remember how you want pacing to work while you read along. I recommend reading sentences you're not sure about aloud and pause accordingly where the commas are. If it doesn't sound quite right, if it sounds too rushed, or if it sounds like anyone else reading out loud would run out of breath, change it.

You should also look into proper dialogue punctuation. Quotes should never just end - they always have punctuation. For example, if you have a sentence like this:

"Good morning" he said.

It should be rendered like this:

"Good morning," he said.

If you have a sentence where the quote is "finalized" or finished, and then tack on an expression, a direction, or a thought, you do the same - except with a period instead, and with the first letter of the next sentence capitalized, like so:

"Good morning." The man's expression was anything but pleasant, despite the greeting.

Now - this is based off of American (and, I believe, Canadian - correct me if I'm wrong, Canadians!) quotation punctuation rules. From what I've gathered over the years, the alternative British rules are/can be different - but only in the placement of the punctuation. Instead of closing off or punctuating sentences within the quotation marks, they do so outside of them:

'Good morning', he said.

The law of punctuation dialogue in order to separate it from prose still applies. If you're not sure about how to do it, there are loads of grammar help sites online you could check out. Same goes for just about anything else you might have questions about regarding grammar. You should never be afraid to look stuff up if you don't know it.

But overall, it seems like you could be off to a promising start! Keep writing! :D

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Thank you so much for your feedback!
@adrasteia: If you follow any of the links at the bottom there is more of the story, there is seven chapters out so far, but more will come along as I finish proofreading them.

The paragraphs seems to have been messed up with the forum formatting, as with the text size.
The commas are an ongoing process, I miss a few every time I go over it, but I also catch a few. The commas and periods after a spoken sentence I was just recently made aware off, and I think most of them is fixed, but again I may still have missed one or two

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Honestly, Im all for finishing a story before tackling punctuation, (please dont bash my typing,lol). Ive found many authors losing their flow n story line worrying about those details...with that said, I agree, with everything adrasteia has pointed out. Still think its a great story hon. I was actually pleased when you went from infancy...to young girl..not weighing the story sown with early childhood minutiae.(from what Ive been able to read so far,that is) Hugs!

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Ok, hon I finally got chance to finish! Love the story so far..only a few grammatical errors..things like using..has instead of have....mostly just wrong vernacular things. I want more! So keep me posted when you're able..Its an excellent story so far! Thanks so much for sharing it! <3

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Thank you Punka, I added two chapters today, and make sure you read the transitional chapter I added between The fire and The wizard.

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